Friday, 18 September 2009

binged again.
wtf is wrong with me?????
starting a new plan today.. 3 days of one meal a day, then serious calorie restriction based on abc.
i must not fail.

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

So yesterday I binged like crazy. Rice pudding, cake, biscuits, shortbread... I am so bloated and swollen today and just downed half a litre of diet coke to stop myself getting on the scales. I hate this :(

I had a message from a friend today that upset me. I havent been out of bed long, Ive been so tired and down and its so much easier to sleep and forget everything. This isnt a good path to be on, its a slippery slope and i need to get a grip before im well and truly depressed again. Anyway, I kinda knew this message was going to come but it still upset me, and so ive been crying pretty much since waking up.

Im fat and a mess and everything just seems to have plummetted (except my bloody weight grr). So yeah, Im feeling pretty down and a wreck today :(

Useless, pathetic, FAT.

Saturday, 12 September 2009

Sometimes I hide from myself. I think if I ignore something it doesnt exist. My ED, this blog... :(

It hurts loving someone who doesnt love you back.
Truly madly deeply in love. And yet they will never want you.
This hurts me. It breaks my heart.

I eat cereal, with sugar, knowing it will never make me feel better. Seeking comfort in something that I know I will hate myself for.

Im in love and I hate it. Im obsessed with food and I hate it. Mostly, I hate me.

Monday, 7 September 2009

Weight 130.5lbs.

Good as i failed to follow my plan over the weekend and ate quite a bit.

Feeling a little more positive and happier. I can feel myself sinking back down a little now that i am alone again but i must fight it.

My mouth feels bleh from the food yesterday. Ive already drunk like 2 litres of water but nothing shifts that feeling.

I havent been on the treadill today. Im hoping the weather stays dry as I plan to go walking this afternoon. Change of scenery and such. Not looking forward to it really though.. I am such a lazy bitch :(

Friday, 4 September 2009

My chest hurts :(
I try to do 20mins on the treadmill everyday, cos im not big on exercise at all so something is better than nothing!!
But today after about 5mins my chest was tight and wheezing out of breath, and at one point i had to grab the sides to stop shooting off the end, catching my foot on the door owww :(
I dont get it though!! Shouldnt i get fitter the more i work out?! It seems as though im getting worse!!! :/
I pushed myself to finish the session even though most of it was spent walking (as opposed to only 80% spent walking haha..) and still managed to burn 175cals yay.

I am on day 4 of abc, and so far havent failed. I am determined to do it this time. I have to get rid of this weight and not sabotage my own progress. In every aspect of life, I am my own worst eney and the only one holding myself back.

Ive been pretty down this week, feeling miserable and sorry for myself. Useless and such. I hope this passes i am so fed up...

My weight is 130lbs, so fingers crossed i will be in the 120s tomorrow :D

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Very upset today after failing yet another driving test. I cried so hard i was almost sick and gave myself a banging headache. My weight is back up to 134.5lb and im back in my 'fat jeans'. This seems to be an endless battle. It seems i am a failure at everything lately. I burned 179cals on the treadmill. I have eaten salmon with potato waffle things. The salmon was 200 cals i think cos it had some wierd sauce all over it.. Im not sure about the potato. I could barely eat it cos I felt so ill but i was so upset i needed something inside me to calm me down. Thats all Ive had though so I hope im down a little tomo. I binged yesterday on chocolate bars and cereal. I have now banned myself from chocolate and cereal. I cant be trusted. Im gna go and dose up on fibre tablets now.. im trying to avoid laxatives as best I can, especially as I need a whole box to get any results these days :/