binged again.
wtf is wrong with me?????
starting a new plan today.. 3 days of one meal a day, then serious calorie restriction based on abc.
i must not fail.

So yesterday I binged like crazy. Rice pudding, cake, biscuits, shortbread... I am so bloated and swollen today and just downed half a litre of diet coke to stop myself getting on the scales. I hate this :(

I had a message from a friend today that upset me. I havent been out of bed long, Ive been so tired and down and its so much easier to sleep and forget everything. This isnt a good path to be on, its a slippery slope and i need to get a grip before im well and truly depressed again. Anyway, I kinda knew this message was going to come but it still upset me, and so ive been crying pretty much since waking up.

Im fat and a mess and everything just seems to have plummetted (except my bloody weight grr). So yeah, Im feeling pretty down and a wreck today :(

Useless, pathetic, FAT.

Sometimes I hide from myself. I think if I ignore something it doesnt exist. My ED, this blog... :(

It hurts loving someone who doesnt love you back.
Truly madly deeply in love. And yet they will never want you.
This hurts me. It breaks my heart.

I eat cereal, with sugar, knowing it will never make me feel better. Seeking comfort in something that I know I will hate myself for.

Im in love and I hate it. Im obsessed with food and I hate it. Mostly, I hate me.

Weight 130.5lbs.

Good as i failed to follow my plan over the weekend and ate quite a bit.

Feeling a little more positive and happier. I can feel myself sinking back down a little now that i am alone again but i must fight it.

My mouth feels bleh from the food yesterday. Ive already drunk like 2 litres of water but nothing shifts that feeling.

I havent been on the treadill today. Im hoping the weather stays dry as I plan to go walking this afternoon. Change of scenery and such. Not looking forward to it really though.. I am such a lazy bitch :(

My chest hurts :(
I try to do 20mins on the treadmill everyday, cos im not big on exercise at all so something is better than nothing!!
But today after about 5mins my chest was tight and wheezing out of breath, and at one point i had to grab the sides to stop shooting off the end, catching my foot on the door owww :(
I dont get it though!! Shouldnt i get fitter the more i work out?! It seems as though im getting worse!!! :/
I pushed myself to finish the session even though most of it was spent walking (as opposed to only 80% spent walking haha..) and still managed to burn 175cals yay.

I am on day 4 of abc, and so far havent failed. I am determined to do it this time. I have to get rid of this weight and not sabotage my own progress. In every aspect of life, I am my own worst eney and the only one holding myself back.

Ive been pretty down this week, feeling miserable and sorry for myself. Useless and such. I hope this passes i am so fed up...

My weight is 130lbs, so fingers crossed i will be in the 120s tomorrow :D

Very upset today after failing yet another driving test. I cried so hard i was almost sick and gave myself a banging headache. My weight is back up to 134.5lb and im back in my 'fat jeans'. This seems to be an endless battle. It seems i am a failure at everything lately. I burned 179cals on the treadmill. I have eaten salmon with potato waffle things. The salmon was 200 cals i think cos it had some wierd sauce all over it.. Im not sure about the potato. I could barely eat it cos I felt so ill but i was so upset i needed something inside me to calm me down. Thats all Ive had though so I hope im down a little tomo. I binged yesterday on chocolate bars and cereal. I have now banned myself from chocolate and cereal. I cant be trusted. Im gna go and dose up on fibre tablets now.. im trying to avoid laxatives as best I can, especially as I need a whole box to get any results these days :/

Weheyyy Im down half a lb. Amazing as I ate so much yesterday, and the lax still havent kicked in grr. I havent been able to work out today either, but intake so far is zero. Im going over my friends later... hopefully get away with not much..

Today is hard.

I havent been able to work out cos my dad isnt at work at the moment.

I have gone over my calories.

Ive had:
a boiled egg (70)
a piece of toast (130)
a rice cake (50)
yoghurt (95)
bowl of cereal (250 at least)

Thats approx. 595 cals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! arrgh :(

I am so hungry today, even though I have eaten loads all I want to do is eat. And ive drunk litres and litres of water and it just isnt helping :(

I really hope I havent gained and that I dont feel like this again tomorrow its unbearable!

Ive taken some laxatives, I hope they kick in soon and get some of this shit out of my body.

NO CEREAL. NO BREAD. Wtf am I playing at?! Grr.....

My posts are getting further and fewer between. Never a good sign eh.

BUT despite my difficulties over the past week, I am back on the wagon. However far I fall, I ALWAYS climb back on.

So yesterday I had 500 cals and today Ive had 300 cals + burned 178 on the treadmill.

I am sooooooo hungry tonight though, which is no fun :( lol. But I have to just think how good I will feel when the scales read less tomorrow!!!

Today I am 133lbs (yet again... never again!!!!!!!!!)

How are all you girls doing?

Aargh I have done so much exercise this weekend and I am 131.5lbs !!!! grrrrrrrrrrrr. Why cant I lose this weight?!!!! Im starting abc again today. So far ive had 400 cals.

Today is going good. Intake: a few grapes. I didnt think I would get to work out cos my dad is home but he went out to the shop and I managed to fit in 20mins on the treadmill burning 180 cals :) Also, I am happy today because my jeans fit (they dont fit everyday lol, and havent for a long time now...) Im a little worried about chinese food later, but I will try to be strong!!!!!!

Oh my goodness, you are all so supportive, it means so much to me!!!! I love you girls :)

Well day one went pretty good, I had half an apple + half an apple, but then at dinner time my mam made me eat so I had prawns (which I thought were kind of white lol) and the lowest cal thing we had. Also I burnt 179cals on the treadmill.

Today was yellow day and didnt go so well. I went out first thing this morning with friends and didnt eat anything until about 6pm when they bought chips and made me eat cos I hadnt eaten all day. But I had only a few, it was barely half a plate, and chips are kind of yellow (haha oh goodness). Then when I got back I had a banana about 8pm... Sooo I hope I havent gained because of that :/ Also I havent managed to work out today cos Ive been out all day but I have been kinda active...

Tomorrow Im having a day off the diet because Im going to a sleepover and we are having chinese food (aargh) so I will work out in the day tomorrow, and not eat anything until Im at my friends, then only eat a little and as low cal as possible. Then back on the rainbow wagon saturday.

I just found out my best friend might not be able to make my party :'( Im absolutely gutted. It wont be the same if she isnt there :(

Rainbow

I am having a party for my birthday and I am so excited... This means I most definitely need to lose weight by then. I want to be 120lbs at least.

I am going to try the Rainbow Diet (Everyday is a different colour, google it xx)

So tomorrow is my first day and its WHITE:
Breakfast: 1/2 apple
Lunch: 1/2 apple
Dinner: 1 cucumber

This is going to be so hard, I have been eating like a pig lately but now is the time to scream STOP!

I want to be the thinnest at my party. I want to be the thinnest. Full stop.

If anyone wants to join me I am starting tomorrow, and Im not doing the fast day so this is a 6 day plan instead of 7.

Support would be appreciated sooooooooooooo much. I am so off track lately :(

Im Back

Oh my goodness, I honestly thought I had lost my blog then, but turns out I was logging in with the wrong email haha...

So I went on holidays for a week, and ate like a pig. Three meals a day: cooked breakfasts, bacon rolls, burgers, chips, pizzas, ice cream etc etc. I come home and weigh and I am 133 lbs. Seriously, WTF????! Of course I am over the moon, but... HOW? It doesnt make sense! How can I eat loads and not gain, but when I do all I can to lose it always goes terribly wrong and I end up bigger than before?! :/

Anyway, since Ive been home I havent been calorie counting, just trying to eat little, never finishing anything. I am 131.5lbs today. But I feel loads bigger :( I think I need to start counting again...

Im thinking a lot today.

1. About uni and living arrangements. I planned to live at home this year because I had such a shit time last year, but now Im thinking Im gna be really out of the loop when it comes to night life etc because I will be coming home everyday. But if I couldnt live on my own last year, I dont want the same thing to happen again this year :/

2. I turn 21 this year, and still have no plans. I want to do something because Im only gna have one 21st birthday, but what could I do?

failed another driving test
failed
failure
thats me
drunk way too much
drown sorrows pahhh like i could
fuckin failure
fucking waste of space
thats me

I appear to have come to a stand still. My weight is balancing at 132lbs.. Feeling as though it could just tip over and become 140 overnight or something devastating like that :/ I dont feel in control at all. I am eating too much and yet I feel as though I am not eating at all. I go on holidays in a week. Im too fat. What am I gna do? :(

I havent weighed today, but yesterday my intake was 100 and today my intake has been 405.
I will weigh tomorrow and hope I will have lost a little (or a lot!!! lol)
Ive done most of my holiday shopping, less than two weeks to go now!! But I do seem to have suddenly ended up with more clothes than I could ever need... haha :/
It will be the first time I have ever worn a bikini. Woah. So I very much need to lose lose lose!!!
I start driving lessons again tomorrow, I am kinda nervous. I can drive, but make stupid mistakes sometimes cos I am so worried about getting everything right. I need to pass my test this has been dragging on way too long.
Im off out tonight, the weather is too nice to be stuck in. Just diet coke for me and then by the time I get home it will be gone midnight so no food til tomorrow :)

How is everyone doing? Sorry I have been so off track lately :(

9 Stone 9 lbs (135lbs)
Wouldnt it be so much easier not to regain the weight I lose?? :(
Oh, and I know I wasnt going to weigh but... Well :/

binge binge fucking binge fucking failure fat fat getting fatter and fatter whoever said i was their inspiration better find another one i am a disgusting pig and i hate that i have lost control

11th July : 100 calories
12th July : 400 calories
13th July : 300 calories
14th July : 200 calories
15th July : 300 calories
16th July : 400 calories
17th July : 200 calories
18th July : 150 calories
19th July : 200 calories
20th July : 500 calories
21st July : 350 calories
22nd July : 250 calories

Three Day Binge

Food Hangover.
No More.
Never.
Fuck.
I feel sick sick sick.
Disgusting.
Bread Hangover. Worst ever.